Isn’t it interesting how life has a way of ebbing and flowing. Constantly keeping you on your toes. Just when you feel like you have things figured out, it takes you on another emotional ride. As some of you know, and some of you do not, in 2015 I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl at 34 weeks, she was born still. From July 14, 2015 on, my life has been different. The way I look at things, the way I feel about life in general, my outlook on God and religion, all of it. Now I’m not going to get into the whole religion thing, that is for another day lol But what I will say is this. I personally, emotionally, psychologically, and even physically, am ready to be “better”. Unfortunately I don’t think I just get to wake up one day and say “Hey Breein, let’s try not to think about your daughter today and get sad, or let’s try not to space out while making Finley’s lunch and go back to that day and replay it over and over, better yet, try not to look at Finley and see Gray. She’s her own person.” It’s hard guys. I’d like to say it’s harder than I expected, but I knew this healing journey wouldn’t be a walk in the park. I was just hoping I’d be better. I’d love to have my old heart back. The one that wasn’t so hard, cynical, and downright numb most of the time. There’s a song by the “Oh Hello’s” that I feel may have been written just for me. The lyrics are:
Cold is the night without you here
Just your absence ringing in my ears
Hard is the heart that feels no fear
Without the bad, the good disappears
Long is the road that leads me home
And longer still when I walk alone
Bitter is the thought of all that time
Spent searching for something I’ll never find
Take this burden away from me
And bury it before it buries me
Many are the days I’ve wanted to cease
Lay myself down and find some relief
Heavy is the head that gets no sleep
We carry our lives around in our memories
Take away this apathy
And bury it before it buries me
Steady is the hand that’s come to terms
With the lessons it has had to learn
I’ve seen the things that I must do
But Lord, this road is meant for two
So I am waiting here for you
Take my hand and set me free
Take my burdens and bury them deep
Take this burden away from me
And bury it before
Bury it before
Bury it before it buries me
I guess I’m sharing this for those that are having the same feelings about something, anything. The truth is, we all do things in our own time. We shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves. One day I’ll feel much better, today’s not that day, and that’s ok.
*The days and months after Gray’s death I wrote journal entries on a site called Caringbridge. Here’s the link if you’d like to read: https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/breeinpoling/journal/index/0/0/asc
Photography by the amazing Waverly Lane Photography