I’ve thought long and hard about whether or not I would want to use my photography blog as a platform to incorporate some personal things into it. The fact is, I do actually like to write, now, not all is appropriate for the internet, let’s be honest, some isn’t even appropriate for anyone other than myself BUT there are some things that I think others could find helpful, insightful, perhaps even funny. I promise to have pretty pictures involved as well. Photography is a super personal art, for most anyway, the more you know about me, my thoughts and feelings, you may understand why I shoot the way I do, what gets me all sorts of excited.
So here I am. I’m Breein. A 29 (almost 30, gag me) year old wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. I feel I have some things to say, maybe they are important, most likely they aren’t. Most are just feelings, or thoughts, or things I saw today that get me all creatively excited. A lot have to do with my kids, because, well, I have 3, 2 living, one an angel, and I have lots to say about her. The way she changed me, all the parts of me.
I’m going to start with a conversation I had with Brooke the other day. Such an innocent question turned into some major trench digging. Soul searching, if you will.
My daughter asked me the other day if i was scared of ghosts after she had heard stories at school about them. In my ever so sarcastic tone I replied, No, moms not afraid of anything. She paused for a sec and said “no seriously mom, what are you really afraid of?” I didn’t know what to say, I could’ve kept things very surface and said something like “spiders or snakes” instead I said, you know, I don’t know, I’ll have to think about it. Over the last week, I’ve made myself a list.
I’m afraid of the dark, yes like a child, I’m afraid of the dark, of the unknown that may be right in front of me.
I’m afraid that one day I’ll wake up and my creativity will be gone. That I will no longer be able to see things and create or have a fire in my soul about wanting to do something different or new.
I’m afraid I’ll have to bury another child.
I’m afraid of losing my parents.
I’m afraid of staying stagnant in my business, never growing or moving in an upward direction, which would be only my own fault and failure
I’m afraid that losing Gray has affected Brooke negatively to the point where it may cause problems in her way of thinking about life in the years to come.
I’m afraid of being too cold hearted to the point that no one wants to get close to me, in the same breath, I’m afraid of being too vulnerable to the point of being walked on.
I’m afraid I’ll never truly heal, I feel as though I’ll always be a little broken and my sparkle just a little dull.
I’m afraid to be that 60 something couple you see at the restaurant that never says a word to each other, just looks down at their plate and eats their food, never looking up, never having a conversation with each other.
I’m afraid of losing myself. While I’ve made it my priority to take care of everyone else. Kids grow up and move out, that’s life. I can’t forget who I am being too wrapped up in doing everything for them.
I’m afraid that I’ll live my whole life being overweight.
I’m afraid of never being “financially comfortable”.
I’m afraid of a lot more things than I thought.